Tonight we watched the movie Amazing Grace. As far as historical movies go, it was pretty good. However, despite the title, whoever made it did a good job of leaving God out of something He should have had a big part of. I don't know whether William Wilberforce was a Christian or not, but they had some about God in the beginning of the movie, but then He just sort of disappears.
Very strange.
However, I do admire the movie because there was no fowl language except for what was accepted and typical of the time. Also, even though there was a romance in the movie that played a huge part in the story, there was no PDA (public display of affection). No kissing even! I always admire that in a movie, especially because I for one do not want to kiss until I'm engaged.
Not to mention the powerful message in the movie. It effectively shows how difficult change can be, but also how rewarding the struggle. Wilberforce was shouted down by many of his friends, and dealt with a painful health problem at the same time most of us would have taken medical leave for ulcers. But he kept going, and we see his work today. Utterly amazing.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
So I'm Going to See Him Tomorrow
And I'm totally unsure what the heck I'm going to do. Although I know I'm terrified. Today I have gone from weeping because I love him so much, to weeping because I hate him so much. I don't know which is worse. I guess I'm really scared because I don't know which is scarier: him hating me or him wanting me back. I don't know what I'm going to do. I just have no idea.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
So Now I'm sick
And it sucks. Majorly. I've been coughing since Thursday, but only recently we discovered I was running a temperature. It was 104 this morning when I woke up. Plus I was coughing up brown gunk, so my mom ran me to Urgent Care.
There I was examined, x-rayed, and discovered to have bronchitis. So now I'm gulping water, laying on the couch in a cocoon of blankets that make me feel like I'm on fire, and really bored. I wanted to watch a movie, but fell asleep during it. However, now that the movie's over I can't go to sleep!
So, if you're around me, don't come near. Because I'm frickin sick.
There I was examined, x-rayed, and discovered to have bronchitis. So now I'm gulping water, laying on the couch in a cocoon of blankets that make me feel like I'm on fire, and really bored. I wanted to watch a movie, but fell asleep during it. However, now that the movie's over I can't go to sleep!
So, if you're around me, don't come near. Because I'm frickin sick.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
The End
I've always hated hotels. They remind me of when I was a kid and used to travel a lot. Even when I'm with my friends and family there's always a voice inside me calling "You're leaving, leaving, leaving..." I always cry myself to sleep at night when I'm in a hotel room (quietly, of course, so as not to disturb my family). Yet here I am in one typing to you.
I finally finished Jane Eyre. The ending was, of course, a good one, but it only caused me pain. Because she ended up with her first love, and I can't help but think of mine. All during Christmas break I've thought about him and dreamed. Mostly I end up daydreaming about how he's going to ask me back out. Twice I've woken up crying thanks to dreaming the same thing at night, for those dreams are more realistic than any daydream. My heart tells me that I'll always love and miss him, and that he'll want me back soon. But my mind screams at me that he hates me, and that he'll never want me back. I try to side with my mind, because I know that in this case it speaks the truth and that I'll just end up hurting if I listen to my heart in this case.
Despite how much I try to think about other guys and other futures, right now he's still too near. I still love him deeply. Perhaps that's why it hurts so much when I see that he's so much happier without me. At the same time, I want him to be happy, and if he's happier without me then that's how I want it to be. However, it's a rather uncomfortable position to be in.
Since we broke up, I've reflected on all that we'd done. I realize now that we were too close, too much like a married couple, which was our downfall. We're too young. However, this wisdom has come too late. I always think about how things would be different if he wanted me again, how we could change to make it better than last time. But now, when I think of all this, there is my mind, yelling "You're too late! He doesn't want you now! You're too late!"
I'm scared to see him. This holiday has been bittersweet, giving me a chance to not look at him, and at the same time making me miss him. But now I'm terrified at our next meeting. Because I know it will hurt, because my heart will finally have to face the fact that he doesn't want me back. I'll have to give him back the rest of the things he gave me, and then have to face him! I'm terrified, because I know I'll bear this scar forever, and that our next meeting will just re-open the wound. All I can do is try to move on.
That is what I plan to do. I know this whole thing will make me stronger, that God as a plan for all this. That he gives and takes away. But for right now it's just so hard.
I finally finished Jane Eyre. The ending was, of course, a good one, but it only caused me pain. Because she ended up with her first love, and I can't help but think of mine. All during Christmas break I've thought about him and dreamed. Mostly I end up daydreaming about how he's going to ask me back out. Twice I've woken up crying thanks to dreaming the same thing at night, for those dreams are more realistic than any daydream. My heart tells me that I'll always love and miss him, and that he'll want me back soon. But my mind screams at me that he hates me, and that he'll never want me back. I try to side with my mind, because I know that in this case it speaks the truth and that I'll just end up hurting if I listen to my heart in this case.
Despite how much I try to think about other guys and other futures, right now he's still too near. I still love him deeply. Perhaps that's why it hurts so much when I see that he's so much happier without me. At the same time, I want him to be happy, and if he's happier without me then that's how I want it to be. However, it's a rather uncomfortable position to be in.
Since we broke up, I've reflected on all that we'd done. I realize now that we were too close, too much like a married couple, which was our downfall. We're too young. However, this wisdom has come too late. I always think about how things would be different if he wanted me again, how we could change to make it better than last time. But now, when I think of all this, there is my mind, yelling "You're too late! He doesn't want you now! You're too late!"
I'm scared to see him. This holiday has been bittersweet, giving me a chance to not look at him, and at the same time making me miss him. But now I'm terrified at our next meeting. Because I know it will hurt, because my heart will finally have to face the fact that he doesn't want me back. I'll have to give him back the rest of the things he gave me, and then have to face him! I'm terrified, because I know I'll bear this scar forever, and that our next meeting will just re-open the wound. All I can do is try to move on.
That is what I plan to do. I know this whole thing will make me stronger, that God as a plan for all this. That he gives and takes away. But for right now it's just so hard.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
A Distraction from the Law
So right now I'm sitting at a computer, and being forced to stay here by state law.
Maybe that's an exaggeration. I'm currently enrolled at an online driver's ed course so that in a few weeks I'll be able to get my license. Well, in order to get the license I have to have had 30 hours' worth of driver's ed. Apparently, the course was NOT designed with me in mind. You have to spend a certain amount of time on each lesson, it appears. The thing will ask questions every once in a while to make sure you don't just sit and let it run (which is what I'm having to do >.<) and if you don't answer the question in two minutes the thing will log you out. So right now I'm having to sit here and blow 75 minutes until I can proceed in the lessons.
Fun.
It's very cold here. I'm a southerner who is currently visiting family in the mid-west, and THIS place was not designed with me in mind either. Okay, so God made everything according to how He wanted it, but does it have to be like this? I don't like the cold unless there's snow, and, naturally, there is no snow here. Only cold. And freezing rain. And the only reason I'm not out IN the freezing rain doing chores is because I have to sit here and time out the driver's ed.
65 minutes now.
Currently I'm reading Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte. Well, trying to anyhow. It really hurts right now, because of what the title character is going through. It's so much like my own current struggle, and she feels many of the things that I'm feeling now from my recent break-up. Of course, she was the one who ended hers, and it was my boyfriend who ended ours, but our feelings are very much the same. So when I try to read it, an icy hand seems to grip my heart. And it squeezes hard. It must work out, because it's very strong. I'm lucky to have my friends though, because they are helping me through this so much, I don't know what I'd do without them and God to help me. True, Jane was a Christian, but she had no real friends on her level. All she had was the guy. I'm sure everything will work out in the end for her, as well as me, but for now I try not to think about it.
59 minutes.
My novel was coming along well, but writing has come to a halt for now at chapter thirteen. Ironically, this is the chapter during which vampires are explained. I need to do research, but I need to do it at home and not here, because I'm sharing a computer with five other people here. I would have been kicked off a while ago had I not had to time out the driver's ed. My eyes are going to melt out of my skull from this. I tried to skip ahead to chapter fourteen, but my mind is making me do this in order. I'm not sure how many pages I have, because I'm saving two chapters at most per file, to make it easier to send to people who want to read it, including my English teacher/Editor.
Christmas has not been the best this year. My great-grandfather was sent to the emergency room on Christmas Day, so my sister and I had to wait for a long time before we could open anything. He's still at the hospital as we speak (er, as I type), and my grandparents are already talking about what to do with the money and his property and so on.
Whew, I caught a security question with twenty seconds until I was logged out. Go me. Whoo-hoo. By the way, did you know that backing up on expressways is prohibited? Yeah, this is what I'm having to stare at. I wish they'd have told me this BEFORE I'd driven on them! Of course, my parents told me, but that's okay. Hey, I had to drive into another state.
50 minutes left. Well, I guess I shouldn't make this post too long and boring, so I'll wrap it up here. Thanks for reading my fifteen-minute distraction though. You're amazing
Maybe that's an exaggeration. I'm currently enrolled at an online driver's ed course so that in a few weeks I'll be able to get my license. Well, in order to get the license I have to have had 30 hours' worth of driver's ed. Apparently, the course was NOT designed with me in mind. You have to spend a certain amount of time on each lesson, it appears. The thing will ask questions every once in a while to make sure you don't just sit and let it run (which is what I'm having to do >.<) and if you don't answer the question in two minutes the thing will log you out. So right now I'm having to sit here and blow 75 minutes until I can proceed in the lessons.
Fun.
It's very cold here. I'm a southerner who is currently visiting family in the mid-west, and THIS place was not designed with me in mind either. Okay, so God made everything according to how He wanted it, but does it have to be like this? I don't like the cold unless there's snow, and, naturally, there is no snow here. Only cold. And freezing rain. And the only reason I'm not out IN the freezing rain doing chores is because I have to sit here and time out the driver's ed.
65 minutes now.
Currently I'm reading Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte. Well, trying to anyhow. It really hurts right now, because of what the title character is going through. It's so much like my own current struggle, and she feels many of the things that I'm feeling now from my recent break-up. Of course, she was the one who ended hers, and it was my boyfriend who ended ours, but our feelings are very much the same. So when I try to read it, an icy hand seems to grip my heart. And it squeezes hard. It must work out, because it's very strong. I'm lucky to have my friends though, because they are helping me through this so much, I don't know what I'd do without them and God to help me. True, Jane was a Christian, but she had no real friends on her level. All she had was the guy. I'm sure everything will work out in the end for her, as well as me, but for now I try not to think about it.
59 minutes.
My novel was coming along well, but writing has come to a halt for now at chapter thirteen. Ironically, this is the chapter during which vampires are explained. I need to do research, but I need to do it at home and not here, because I'm sharing a computer with five other people here. I would have been kicked off a while ago had I not had to time out the driver's ed. My eyes are going to melt out of my skull from this. I tried to skip ahead to chapter fourteen, but my mind is making me do this in order. I'm not sure how many pages I have, because I'm saving two chapters at most per file, to make it easier to send to people who want to read it, including my English teacher/Editor.
Christmas has not been the best this year. My great-grandfather was sent to the emergency room on Christmas Day, so my sister and I had to wait for a long time before we could open anything. He's still at the hospital as we speak (er, as I type), and my grandparents are already talking about what to do with the money and his property and so on.
Whew, I caught a security question with twenty seconds until I was logged out. Go me. Whoo-hoo. By the way, did you know that backing up on expressways is prohibited? Yeah, this is what I'm having to stare at. I wish they'd have told me this BEFORE I'd driven on them! Of course, my parents told me, but that's okay. Hey, I had to drive into another state.
50 minutes left. Well, I guess I shouldn't make this post too long and boring, so I'll wrap it up here. Thanks for reading my fifteen-minute distraction though. You're amazing
The Calm Before a Storm
And so begins a new journey. Poetry, artwork, ramblings, musings, and thoughts and feelings sent out into the void of the internet. The psychologist says it's a good thing to release energy into something constructive. I can only hope that this counts as constructive. This will be treated as a private journal, so a warning to all who may read of it. When I remember to I'll try not to get too personal.
For now, though, a warning, and a God Bless.
Ichobana
For now, though, a warning, and a God Bless.
Ichobana
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
