The End

I've always hated hotels. They remind me of when I was a kid and used to travel a lot. Even when I'm with my friends and family there's always a voice inside me calling "You're leaving, leaving, leaving..." I always cry myself to sleep at night when I'm in a hotel room (quietly, of course, so as not to disturb my family). Yet here I am in one typing to you.

I finally finished Jane Eyre. The ending was, of course, a good one, but it only caused me pain. Because she ended up with her first love, and I can't help but think of mine. All during Christmas break I've thought about him and dreamed. Mostly I end up daydreaming about how he's going to ask me back out. Twice I've woken up crying thanks to dreaming the same thing at night, for those dreams are more realistic than any daydream. My heart tells me that I'll always love and miss him, and that he'll want me back soon. But my mind screams at me that he hates me, and that he'll never want me back. I try to side with my mind, because I know that in this case it speaks the truth and that I'll just end up hurting if I listen to my heart in this case.

Despite how much I try to think about other guys and other futures, right now he's still too near. I still love him deeply. Perhaps that's why it hurts so much when I see that he's so much happier without me. At the same time, I want him to be happy, and if he's happier without me then that's how I want it to be. However, it's a rather uncomfortable position to be in.

Since we broke up, I've reflected on all that we'd done. I realize now that we were too close, too much like a married couple, which was our downfall. We're too young. However, this wisdom has come too late. I always think about how things would be different if he wanted me again, how we could change to make it better than last time. But now, when I think of all this, there is my mind, yelling "You're too late! He doesn't want you now! You're too late!"

I'm scared to see him. This holiday has been bittersweet, giving me a chance to not look at him, and at the same time making me miss him. But now I'm terrified at our next meeting. Because I know it will hurt, because my heart will finally have to face the fact that he doesn't want me back. I'll have to give him back the rest of the things he gave me, and then have to face him! I'm terrified, because I know I'll bear this scar forever, and that our next meeting will just re-open the wound. All I can do is try to move on.

That is what I plan to do. I know this whole thing will make me stronger, that God as a plan for all this. That he gives and takes away. But for right now it's just so hard.